Sometimes there appears a turning point or a break through in our lives. It is as we (slowly) build a momentum toward it or better, this momentum is unfolding through us, not knowing where it leads. For me it seems my whole life was somehow a preparation on this one. There were so many bigger or smaller deep insights and preparatory experiences before this momentum could ripen. We never know where life is leading us. We are just on a ride. We are the vehicles of life.
The turning point is clear seeming: I AM and CONSCIOUSNESS are also ILLUSIONS. They are carriers of the whole movie we call (individual) life. They are cages and create a bubble of the whole matrix called life or the world. We live in a matrix ruled by consciousness itself.
I cried. There was a relief and devastation at the same time. As a passionate researcher of life, I have always yearned to become clear, to understand, to experience all that is possible … Life was extremely grateful to me because it has given me all the time and circumstances to do exactly this, to explore mysteries of life. What a ride it was! I went through so many mystical experiences, exploring different portals, experienced bliss, ecstasy, pure love, pure beauty, emptiness, I am-ness, all kinds of vibrations / vibrational rays, energy, energy centers etc. Last year I worked especially with the vibrational rays. Bliss, love, ecstasy, energy, beauty … they are just vibrational rays. They have become available to me; I didn’t need any object to enter them and it is fu…ing gorgeous. This is maybe best you can suck out from life as an experience. On the background I have become empty. It was a strange duo: total intensity of life on an empty background. But this winter I noticed that I am not interested anymore to activate these rays. As I have consumed all that they can offer. And deep silence entered me. Something in me knew the time is coming also to dive deeply into the last portal to which I felt repulsion for unknown reasons to me. I was working with consciousness before but I have found it’s subtle vibration annoying. Moreover, it felt to me like a violence to the point I was nearly disgusted about it. This winter the entrance was prepared and I dived in. The first revelation was that the pure consciousness is conscious but not conscious of itself. That’s why it needs organs of life (us and all the forms of life) to reflect her back. Moreover, I felt in the consciousness embedded the impulse to move and love of life itself, the love to be. This I felt as a restriction. No matter how you nest in the spacious realm of consciousness something was not right for me until … it struck me with the whole power: this is a carrier for the whole illusion. My whole world was shattered to the bones. There was a devastation. And a clear recognition: there is no landing place inside this matrix of Life itself. The nonduality collapses with the whole concept of it, with all spacious or blissful states. And looking very precisely into all experiences, including nondual ones, I always have had a subtle feeling that no matter how intense or pure or liberating these experiences were … I could not get rid of the dream like quality sealed into them. And the same goes for consciousness itself … in fact, exactly this dreamlike quality of consciousness pervades everything. This recognition was for me like a collapse of the whole spiritual game. I have been tearing down one spiritual nest after another in my life and all these spiritual nests are so seducing, because when you realize them, they appear as “this is it”: when you enter the essence of love – everything transforms into love, everything IS love; when you enter the presence – all is presence; when you enter the consciousness – all is enlightened, when there is emptiness or silence – all turns into emptiness and silence etc. And “love to be” is so f…ing attracted to make something out of this, to relax, to nest there in illusion that “this is it”.
My friends, there is no nesting place inside the bubble of the consciousness. I dare not even utter what remains after this. Find out for yourselves if you have strong and natural pull in this “direction”. And, after all, we even do not choose by ourselves which movie is determined to run through our vessel of consciousness.
Epilogue:
Last night consciousness showed me most seducing face. Sat chit ananda. Total luminosity of the crystal palace of pure mind and a divine drop was formed, amrita, which has fallen down into my system and being absorbed. I thought that bliss connected with the opening of the back part of the heart, the wing point, is the most extreme taste of the bliss. I was wrong. This bliss is even more powerful. But … the big laughter … there was no one there anymore to grab or appreciate this unfolding. When I went to bed, the last thing I remembered was a spanda, the original pulsation. Then … this velvet night.
At a dawn
the bird sings out its heart
to the point of bleeding.
Its voice became finally silent
in the embrace
of the velvet night.
– – – – –
besedilo: Vesna Vilar